This way will absolutely lead you to happiness. You will never know sadness if you walk it, and you will undoubtedly make it to heaven. Your children will always be perfect angels, and you will always have perfect, faithful friends. This way…oh, who am I kidding?

There is no such way. Millions throughout the ages have sought in vain for this Utopia- hoping, searching, longing, trying….all for no avail. How else did we end up in the CoGR? We were offered a life of perfection- free from sin, free from confusion, free from hatred, free from really everything. We all know that nothing could possibly be further than the truth. The ugliness of sin was just magnified there, and we all suffered horribly. That obviously didn't work!

Do I sound fatalistic? Perhaps. I, however, don't see it like that. I have come to see life as a never-ending challenge- a beautiful thing to explore, to probe, and to question. Yes, there are many ugly things along the way. I've been hurt and disappointed by people, but I have also found more love, beauty and amazing things than I could have imagined.

We are not made for Utopia here on earth. Yes, we look forward to what's beyond this life- a land where everything is only made more beautiful and more perfect, and where evil cannot enter. We are looking forward to the perfect life- Heaven. (Narnia, for those of you who are C.S. Lewis fans) {On a side rant, "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis had me in tears. I had never really had good thoughts of heaven till I read that. I highly recommend it…} Until then, however, we are faced by the mixture of good and evil, and must learn to deal with it.

Leaving the CoGR was probably the scariest thing I have ever had to encounter. I feel with those who are petrified of leaving- I was there once too, and I understand. After years of constant indoctrination that left me believing that the world outside was full of monsters waiting to eat me alive, and that I would also be promptly banned to hell, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was leave. No matter how rough things were in the church, I was told that things in the world were so much worse, so I didn't once consider the idea of leaving.

I think (or know) that God knew that I was firmly entrenched and would never leave voluntarily, so he decided to use special intervention. No, I did not make the conscious decision (at first) to leave. I was mercilessly kicked out by those who were supposed to love me the most. I found myself outside, and thought that my life was over. How was I supposed to survive in a barren land filled with monsters and creepy crawlies? The one thing I knew is that I could not go back to the church- the monsters and creepy crawlies were showing themselves there in droves. The outside world couldn't be much worse than that, could it?

The first few months were filled with countless tears, and several near breakdowns. I was devastated beyond words. I had isolated any possibility of friends outside of the CoGR, so I had no one to turn to. In those dark days, I turned to others that had also left when I had, loving co-workers, and family who had been praying for me to leave.

The one thing I had taken with me was my obnoxious, closed- minded attitude. I tried out several other legalistic groups, and came very near to being caught in the web of one that closely resembled the CoGR. I guess it was something I was familiar with, and I was still searching for a church that was perfect. I tried to integrate myself into their particular legalistic ways, but something wasn't right. I felt a distinct unease toward all the rules being given, and realized that I could not follow this. I remember the moment when I hit the breaking point, and knew that if I didn't leave NOW, I would lose God. It was like God took my face, and rubbed it in legalism until I could no longer stand it. I was done.

Taking the step into the "worldly world" was petrifying. This was it. I was no longer trying to "look holy" and be self righteous. I was on the way to becoming an "ordinary", "worldly" person. I prayed so hard that God would not let me go astray, and yet, according to all I had been taught, I was. I was scared. I prayed for guidance, and I found that God did not disappoint. I found him changing the way I thought, the way I did things, and….the way I dressed. The changes gradually occurred, and I felt God's hand lead me through every one. It was incredible- to know that I was not alone- he was helping me to adjust and heal.

I could go on and on about the changes I went through, but this would then stretch into a book. I'll try to sum it up with the most important ones.

The path God took me on had many unexpected twists and surprises, but through it all, he was bringing me to the point where I would someday thank him for what he had done.

He gently started nudging me towards getting a post-secondary education. He opened and closed all the necessary doors, and in September, 2002, I was a freshman at a local Bible College. That year was one of wonderful formation, healing and learning, but that one year was all I had planned. I had my life all mapped out- I would go back into the work force, and perhaps, someday in the future, continue my education.

Not so. God happened to have other plans. Again, in his quiet but firm way, he started nudging me to come back the next year. I struggled and protested, but again he opened doors and pushed situations such that I knew without a doubt what he was calling me to do.

I came back, and…he started the healing process. I was nurtured, loved and protected by so many wonderful people- I had no idea that there were such fantastic people in the big, bad world. I didn't know what to do with the unconditional love and acceptance that were constantly poured on me as so many dear ones took me into their hearts and prayed for me. My mind was stretched and opened to new ideas, and I began to realize the enormity of what had happened to me, and that I was still a long way away from getting healed.

It was in this loving environment that God chose to start my intense healing process. He ensured that I was surrounded by people who would love and nurture me, and then he began to strip away at my heart, and exposed my wounds. Oh, it hurt. I got angry at God, at Christianity, and at those who had hurt me. I was furious at myself for having let myself get into this mess. I cried countless tears of pain, but in the midst of my agony, I knew that God was also weeping with me. I knew that he loved me, and this would someday make me better, but oh, it hurt!!! I lashed out in pain, and was again surrounded by the love of those who cared. These dear friends could see my agony, and held and loved me through it. I came out in my 3rd year, a happy graduate, and one who had been healed from the lacerations of my past.

I looked for God's guidance on where to go to church. I did a lot of "church shopping" for a while, which got really frustrating. I remember the one Sunday where I quietly sat in the back of the church, and knew that I had found a home. I tried to stay anonymous for my own protection, but some dear people took it on themselves to take me under their wings. The love and support that I have been shown there is something I will always treasure.

Over the years, I have changed. My beliefs and worship preferences have shifted in many ways, and I no longer feel at home there. It's nothing against the church- it's simply that I now prefer something different. I feel at home in the traditional, liturgical style of worship. I'm not sure that I could really give an explanation as to why, but that's simply the way my path has led.

God brought a wonderful young man into my life- and he orchestrated it in a way I never could have thought of. All my fears of never finding someone to marry were for naught- God had his plan, and in his own time, he made things very beautiful for me. It's a long, very adventurous love story, and I look back and marvel at God's hand in this, and the impeccable timing that he has showed. Chad was there for me as a friend during some of the most difficult healing times I had to go through. Our friendship grew stronger through the years, and we got married on August 26, 2006.

So, that has been my path. Has it been perfect? No. Not by a long shot. There have been times of intense pain and misery, but there have been more times of overwhelming beauty and joy.

Yes, I have found many monsters and creepy-crawlies, although the interesting thing is that they tend to be found most abundantly among those who profess God the loudest. I have seen many "perfect" church groups, and they have all turned my stomach. I know first hand the evilness that resides in such, and I steer clear from those as much as possible. I have also met countless wonderful, warm, loving people, who have done much to restore my faith in humanity. I have met Christians, all over the world, who really live what they believe, and from whom the love of God simply pours forth. I have met people, who don't claim to be Christians at all, but who have been some of my dearest friends. My encounters with people are so often amazing- I run into someone at the store…on the transit bus…on the street…at work- and my day, and my life, is made brighter just by having talked to them.

For those that are on the inside, looking out, I say "be of good courage!" God will be with you- take hold of his hand, and jump. I know you have been warned that the world will eat you alive, and that you will always be miserable. It's not true. You will survive, and you will be richly rewarded.

Would I do it again? Absolutely. Yes, it hurt, and it was difficult, but I felt God in a way that I had never felt him before. I have peace, joy and freedom- it sounds trite, but it's true. Only those battered by a cult like the CoGR can truly understand how wonderful it is to have such commodities!

This was my path. Yours will be your own. I have no way to predict where God will take you, but be assured- it only leads to good things! Ask those of us who have left- we can give you tips on how to survive, and tell you what happened to us, but we cannot tell you where to go. That will be between you and God. He will ensure that it is the best path for you. Walk it. It is completely safe, and no, you will not be eaten alive. And…I hope that somewhere, somehow our paths intersect, and you tell me of what God has done for you. I love to see the creativity that he leads his children in!

This is the Way. Walk ye in it!