Dear Mr. Layne, (or for old times sake, Bro. Danny)

I realize that this letter must come as a bit of a shock to you. I had meant to write you shortly after I left the Restoration, but I was still filled with too much anger and hurt, and the missive would have been incoherent, and possibly damaging. It's been five years now, and I have alot of experience, understanding and knowledge that I did not have back then, so hopefully I will be able to come up with a readable letter. (Five years! It's hard to believe that it's been such a short period of time...the nightmare of my past seems to be just that- a bad dream. So many of the details have become blurred and far away- it's hard to believe that I was such a different person back then!)

I'm not writing this letter out of anger or to get retribution for hurt done to me. Believe me- I actually am able to look back at the last 14 years of my life with a deep sense of thanksgiving, and at least a partial understanding that there was a plan in all this- it was not just a lifetime of wasted hurts. Now that the bitter memories have faded, and the anger and pain of the way I was treated has diminished to almost nothing, I look back with a certain degree of fondness, and am actually able to remember the good things in the rocky years of my adolescence. I have started looking past the manipulation and control of your ministry, and seen some of the genuine love that you did have for us. I remember some of the people that were once my friends, and smile at the memory of some of the amazing times we had together. I remember the laughter, love and fellowship, and realize that my life is only the richer for having had these experiences.

I would also like to express my appreciation for the way you seemed to be genuinely interested in me, and appreciated me for who I was. Looking back, I'm not sure what exactly you had in mind for me, or if you were just trying to manipulate me to do something in your agenda, but I would prefer to believe that you held a fatherly interest in me, and enjoyed talking to me. I loved the times of verbal sparring that we would sometimes have, and the fact that I wasn't as petrified of you as many of the others were. This made me more open to rebuke and correction on your part, as I desperately wanted to please you, which was a horrible thing. (that I let you manipulate me like that!) I'd like to think that this was not the only reason you got me on your good side, but I admit that I sometimes doubt your motive back then. It's not really like it matters, though, because on the whole my experiences with you were good. After learning some of the dark information subsequent to my leaving the movement, I felt incredibly betrayed, but that doesn't matter now. I just want you to know that in some twisted way, you made especially my last years in the movement more endurable. Thank you for that.

I'm not writing this letter to bash or to correct you. I'm not expecting it to do any good, but I'm hoping that you will at least try to read it with an open mind, and think of me in the way that you once did. I definitely am not expecting you to come crawling to me with some sort of apology- that is not what it is intended for. This is largely a thing of closure for me. I have gone through many stages of the healing process over the last few years, and this is one of the ways that I am showing that I have nearly reached the end of the hurts and confusion that I have suffered as a result of my tenure in the Church of God, Restoration. I recently wrote a paper on the history of the Church of God, Restoration, which also helped me express alot of my feelings, and was a mark of healing. I feel that one of my final steps needs to be to go back full circle, and to let you know where I am at. There have been many things that I have wanted to say to you over the years, but have never felt completely clear to be able to do so. I find it fitting that in the month of my 5th anniversary of departure from the Church of God, Restoration, I close the chapter for once and for all between what I once was, and what I now am.

It has been brought to my attention that there are still people that have been praying for my imminent return to the movement. I have to sadly smile, as I so well remember what that was like. I was obsessed with the backsliders, and would rub my knees raw by praying for their return. I was sure that they would be back anytime, because you so often taught us that there is no happiness outside of the church, and that God would make their hearts miserable. I believed that they constantly thought of us, and could not live life normally anymore. I realize that the living life normally part is true in so many people's lives, which is devastating. I have met some of the people whose lives have been ruined through your ministry, and in those moments I can't do anything but be terribly angry. I don't know why it is that God allowed me to escape relatively unscathed, but I grieve for those whose lives have been permanently scarred. At any rate, I want you to put any hopes of my return very, very far from your mind. It's simply not going to happen. I am not one of those people that leave the church, only to find that they are completely dysfunctional in the outside world, and therefore return to the only place where they fit in. I have fully adjusted to the world that I am now living in, and even in brief moments of dissatisfaction, the thought of return to the Restoration does not even begin to enter my mind. I have also become a very liberal, outspoken free thinker, and you would not want someone like me even speaking to one of your people. There is not an ounce of me that considers return, so believe me....this is a very final good-bye!

February 11, 2000. This day will always have some sort of a dark significance in my memory. It was the day when my perfectly ordered world was thrown into complete chaos, and I was about to experience emotional turmoil to an extent that no 18 year old girl should ever suffer. It was the day that God pulled all the existing security from my life, and let me feel the comfort of the love that He only could give me. I remember Mom and Dad receiving the calls about the minister's meeting, and how it made me wonder what would happen. I honestly can say that I was not worried at all, because I was so naively sure that I was a member of God's one and only church, and nothing could ever hurt that...after all, we had been promised that time after time again. (I was convinced that I was going to stay in the church for the rest of my life, and was sure that nothing could ever pull me away. I fully planned to marry under your jurisdiction, and to raise my children with you as a loving "grandpa" figure. I dreaded the day you would die, as I thought my world would end then.) Anyhow.... the week that followed was one of the worst weeks in my entire life. I had to stand and helplessly watch as my world came crashing down into bruised and burning shreds. I didn't understand what was happening, and my heart, which truly did want to follow God, screamed out in agony as I saw perversions and darkness unveiled. I thought that since I had vowed faithfulness to the church, God would never let anything so horrible happen to me, but it was. I saw people that I had loved and trusted turn on me, and this hurt my trusting little self more than anything else could have. I would spend hours just crying, and asking God why he was letting this happen to me. It was in these times of agony, when I felt that my heart would rip itself out of my chest, that I felt a soothing hand reach out and calm me. Honestly, if it had not been for God supporting me through those horrible, horrible weeks, I know I would have had an emotional and mental breakdown. As it was, He proved himself so very real to me, which is something that carried through to the times that I would doubt his very existence, and remind me of his concern for my well being.

Remember when you got a whole crew of your people to come up here just a week or so after the whole fiasco? My heart was torn to smithereens, and my world seemed entirely hopeless. I had been warned over and over again that there is absolutely nothing outside of "the" church, and that we would never be happy outside of it, but I also knew that I would never be able to be happy in the church again either, after all that I had seen. I was completely broken, and the only thing that I could do was look to God. (if only I had known the very beautiful plan that he was forming for me!) You're not going to like this....but.... if you had talked to me at the time, and tried to persuade me to come back/stay, I would have. I was very vulnerable, and any love and understanding from you would have brought me running back to the only safe place that I knew of. Looking back, I honestly believe that God kept you from talking to me at the time- it amazes me to think of all the little details that He takes care of! I finished the inquisition with the women who were trying to manipulate me to come back, and left that building- broken into more pieces than I would ever care to count. It was then that I realized that there had to be some other way, and I would look until I find it.

Little did I know where my quest would take me to. If I had had any idea where God was going to bring me, I would have looked in disbelief, but I also would have wiped my tears, and realized that He really does know what He's doing!

The next year or so was pure hell. I had lost all my friends, nearly everyone that I had cared about, and basically, my reason to live. How often I asked God why, oh why he had done this to me- none of it made any sense. I still thought that people that wore pants and had cut hair were evil sinners, so this kept me in a bit of a destructive spiral, as I searched for a home in legalistic groups. I was desperate for acceptance and security, and very nearly got caught up with Charity Christian Fellowship. It was finally during one of their tent meetings that I realized that I was going about this all wrong, that this was an unhealthy way to think, and that's when God officially broke the dangerous pattern I was living. It was not instantaneous, but bit by bit he chipped away at all the false concepts I had been taught, and began to change me into the person I am today.

I began to have an intense longing to sing with people- that's the one thing that I really missed about the Restoration. I also started thinking about pursuing a college education, but was happy with my job, and didn't really want that to change. And then, bit by bit, God began to close some doors, and open other very obvious ones for me. I went to hear a concert in Steinbach that was put on by Providence College, and hearing their choir sing left me in tears- I desperately wanted to be a part of a group like that. After thinking about it for a while, I went for a tour of the school, and knew that this was what I was to do. Everything fell into place beautifully, and when the school term of September 2002 began, I joined the ranks of other freshmen just starting their journey. My firm intention was to only go for one year, basically just to see what it was like to get an education. If only I had known what surprises God had in store for me!

My three years at Providence College have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It's been here that I have found a safe place to heal from the lacerations of my past, formed incredibly deep and wonderful friendships, advanced musically beyond belief, and oh, so much more! To fully explain all of it would take up countless pages, so I'll have to try to sum it up.

I was still a very judgmental, self righteous person- that was so firmly ingrained in me, and though I had been shedding much of that over the past year and a half, there was still a plentiful abundance of it on me. That was one of the first things that God started chipping off of me, as I was surrounded with people with a plethora of ways of thinking and believing, and lifestyles so different from mine. This was a little difficult to accept at first, as you did a very good job of teaching me that God's children are all mindless clones, and that your truth was the only one absolute Truth. I began to see the beauty in diversity and freedom, and many chains that had been surrounding my heart broke off- it was amazing! I quickly became culturally adept, and people are now very surprised when I tell them that I was once a member of such a restrictive cult. I enjoy the differences among Christians, and relish the times that I can sit down with friends, and debate different Christian doctrines/beliefs. It's all done in love, and it fascinates me to hear and learn of the various conclusions that other educated people have come up with. It's never a threatening thing, and we value the differences that we share- it keeps things interesting, and it keeps us accountable to each other.

I started taking voice lessons shortly after I left the Restoration, and it was quickly discovered that I have a very unusual voice. (I hate bragging, so I won't really elaborate) My vocal coaches saw great promise, and have been very diligently been working on drawing out and polish the potential in my voice. I was very quickly immersed into the world of music, and made many wonderful friends through that. They were some of the most instrumental ones for healing many of my hurts- I will always have fond memories of them. My musicality grew by exponential levels, and by the time I came to Prov, my voice was already showing alot of refinement and beauty.

In my first year at Prov, I dabbled in several areas, and basically took the kind of courses that I wanted to take. I took Psychology, Sociology, Music, Math, Critical Thinking, etc. It was a wonderful experience to be able to stretch my brain, and to break out of the mindless acceptance and obedience that you so firmly taught. I had an amazing time with the choir, and was able to experience recording a CD, singing for different churches, and finally touring Europe at the end of the school year. I loved every minute of it, and was overwhelmed at what God had brought me to.

I did a grad recital for the experience of it, and it was on that evening that God decided to let me know what His plans for me were. I still stand in awe at how that worked out, and the far reaching effects that evening would have. I was not at all considering coming back to school, but was going to go on with my life, and continue working. It was during the last few weeks of school that I started feeling desperately sad at the idea of never coming back, and the thought of leaving my friends there nearly ripped my heart out, but I was firm in my resolve. (Looking back, I can see that it was God preparing my heart for what he was about to tell me!) At the reception after the recital, my voice teacher approached Mom, and told her how they (my profs) really wanted me to stay at Prov and get my music degree- it would be really good for me. I still remember where I was standing when Mom told me about the conversation, and the shock that went through my being as God let me know in a very definite way that this was what I was supposed to do. I was thrown into a few days of turmoil- my well planned life had again gone up in smoke, but I also knew I couldn't really fight something so...obvious. It took me the weekend to work through it in my mind, but by the time school started on Monday, I was at peace, and extremely excited about my decision. That Tuesday I went for lunch with my teacher, and while we were in the cafeteria, one of my music professors called me over, as he wanted to talk with me. He then asked me if I had at all thought of coming back to do my degree in music. He thought it would be good for me, as I had the potential and talent, and they would love to have me in the program. He basically just wanted me to think and pray about it. I started laughing, and marveled in God's obvious leading and confirmation- I told him that I had actually just decided to stay! I wish there was a way that I could describe the deep, deep joy, and intense peace at my decision- I just knew that it was the right thing to do.

I have been blessed beyond what I can even begin to describe. I never wanted to take any sort of Music Theory, as I hated it with a passion. Now, however, since I'm getting a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Music, it's a requirement for graduation. I've been amazed at how I've been enjoying it, though, and I have been blessed with the most amazing Music Professor in the world! Dr. Bill makes theory interesting for his students, but he also shows an intense personal interest in each one of us. He's there for us, whether we need help with theory, but also if we need to go to someone with frustration and hurts. He's very concerned about our well being holistically, and it's his concern, compassion and fun that makes every one of his students love him. He's one of the aspects of school that I am going to miss the most. My voice teacher is also a close friend of mine, and voice lessons consist of so much more than just singing. I can vent to her about frustrations, and we have amazing times together.

I just recently realized that I carried over a tremendous blessing from Restoration days. I had pretty much memorized most of the songs that we regularly sang from the Evening Light songbook, and also many others on the side. In spite of everything, I appreciate the hymns that I was able to store to memory. I realized this the other day, and was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Our choir recently sang with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra, and to accomplish this, we had several strenuous practices in the city, and drove in on the bus. Some of my most scintillating memories have been formed on the bus: on tours, or just driving to and from various concerts. This day was no exception! I was sitting beside one of my friends on the way back, and we started discussing the hymns that we knew. After a little while, he and I started quietly singing some songs in the quiet of the dimly lit bus, and we were gradually joined by other friends, resulting in a awe-inspiring harmony. It was an amazing experience- worshiping God spontaneously in the quiet of the evening, and I realized that was another positive thing that I had carried away from the Restoration. One of my friends teased me, and remarked that we don't need a hymnbook at all- what with "Gloria, the walking hymnal!" I must say that I appreciate that background. I enjoy many different forms of music, but there's something about hymns that touch the deepest core of my being, and stir me in a way that other music cannot.

It's been at Providence that I have been able to heal out from the intense psychological damage that the Restoration left me with. Several of my professors know about the story of my past, and have been there for me, and have encouraged me as I face the many issues and deal with them. I've cried bucketfuls of tears as I've recounted the pain and abuse that I suffered, and found nothing but support and understanding from them. I almost don't know how to deal with that, as the attitude fostered in the Restoration is one of condemnation and guilt, and I would constantly be left feeling an inadequate person, and that somehow the stuff that I was dealing with was my fault. I remember a very few of your people, particularly dear Anna Thiessen, being there with unconditional love and encouragement, which is probably one of the only things that kept me sane! I was conditioned to being condemned, and constantly expected to be told that something else I was doing was "displeasing to God." You know....you often preached that the Church of God was the best place to bring your hurts, and was also the best place to make mistakes, as nobody would laugh at you. I was always afraid to bring my weaknesses or things that were bothering me to people, because I knew that they would be laughed at, or belittled and condemned in some other way. As for mistakes, well, the Restoration is absolutely the worst place to make them! Your doctrine fosters a critical eye in everyone, and every little mistake was always, always criticized and laughed at. I still sometimes struggle with the repercussions of that- I will say or do something stupid, and immediately want to hide. It takes me a little while to realize that people really don't care, because they do the same things themselves- it's really not a big thing. I am getting to the place where I can actually laugh at my mistakes as well, and realize that nobody is making fun of me, and if they do, it's only because they love me, and thought that what I did was funny, in the best possible way.

I have found incredible liberation by not being bound to the horrible "free from sin" doctrine. The pressure in the Restoration was nerve-wracking, and I was constantly analyzing things I did, and trying to figure out if they were "mistakes" or "sins". Deep inside I always knew that something was wrong. I knew that some of the things that I did were not right, but people would explain them away as mistakes, so I was obviously still ok. I nearly drove myself crazy, and I know that there's countless others still doing that to themselves. I have found that God is loving. It's taken me a long time, and much, much working through the mud to find that out. I basically had to scrap everything that I have ever been taught, and start from scratch. It was during this time that I discovered that God is actually so very different from what you ever taught me. He is love and compassion, and he is not standing there with a whip, just waiting for me to mess up! I have seen him in the love of fellow Christians, who can see short comings in my life, but who will only encourage me, and assure me that they are not at all perfect, either. I have felt his peace flood me in times of extreme stress or pain, and all in all, I feel his hand holding me when everything else bottoms out. I have realized that the important thing is not to live a perfect life. The thing that really matters is a heart given to God, for him to use and mold for His intents and purposes. My puny works do nothing but disgust Him- he wants soo much more than that! Ultimately, he wants surrender, and someone that is willing to be a channel for him. He wants us to reflect His goodness...not what we can make of ourselves. We are human. We will mess up- it's the way we are. All that we are asked to do is to keep the line between him and us open, and he does the rest. The beauty in this equation is his love and forgiveness- that's the truly amazing thing!

I don't have any words to describe my gratefulness for what God has brought me to. You know, during the time after I left the Restoration, I would read scripture passages such as "I will restore the years that the locust has eaten", or "I will bring you into a much better place than you have ever known." (very rough paraphrases) I desperately held onto these things, but honestly, I was skeptical. I didn't know how he could take this very horrible situation and make it into something beautiful. Tears come to my eyes as I look back, and I smile at my lack of faith. Honestly, I would have never dared to even begin to hope for such a wonderful future, but somehow, God has blessed me far beyond what I ever deserved.

I have been blessed with soo many friends: too many, in fact. It's impossible to keep in contact with everybody! I'm able to be myself around my friends, and I am unconditionally loved and accepted. I have had pastors, professors, and many other godly people touch my life, see some of the pain, and point me to healing. They have been there for me as I've cried, and in the midst of my agony and grief, they have assured me that God has already done amazing amounts of healing, and is only continuing to do so. They have been there for me as I doubted the very essence of my faith, and questioned the existence of God. They didn't condemn me, or give me pat answers, but told me to continue questioning and doubting, and God would make himself plain to me. They stretched and challenged my way of thinking, encouraging me to break loose from the pattern of blindly believing what people say, and come to an answer for myself. I don't claim to be at the end of this journey yet, but the one thing that I can say is that God has indeed showed himself to me. He needed me to come to an end of my rope, and while I was in the lowest possible place and had absolutely no more answers, He came, and let me see him for who he really is. Now the adventure of really discovering him has begun, and it's an exciting one. I know the one who has healed my past, blesses my present, and holds my future, and I leave the rest of the details with him.

I took a class called New Religious Movements last semester. None of the things that I heard were really new, because I've lived through them all first hand. I was just amazed beyond words at the similarity of each and every cult. You taught us that we were the only ones to believe this way, and that this was all new revelation and light from God. I felt special....called.....exclusive. To learn that there are hundreds over hundreds of other groups that teach the exact same thing took my breath away. It frightens me to think that I thought I was such a rarity, such a special child of God, when in fact I was just one of the millions caught up in a manipulative, damaging, cultish environment. It saddens me to think of all the ones still in these kinds of groups. I grieve when I think about the ones that I love, that are still caught up in the net, and have no viable way of getting out. I still don't understand how I got out, but again, the mercy of God overwhelms me. We discussed the dynamics of a cult leader, and whether or not they truly believe what they themselves are teaching. I thought of you, and I honestly can't figure out which one applies to you. Have you honestly swallowed all the stuff you teach your people? Is there not ever a corner, somewhere deep down in your heart that protests at the things you're doing? It frightens me to think that you have become so calloused, and really believe everything that you impose on your people. I know that God looks at the heart, and I can only pray that somehow you're sincere and are not purposely leading your people to destruction. Again, I remember you with much fondness, and I really would not want to see you have to bear the consequences of the countless lives you already have destroyed, and yet continue to destroy. I'm not saying this to be vindictive, but out of complete care and concern. I hope that God will somehow open your eyes and let you see things, as I know that I have absolutely no capability of convincing you of anything.

I have often thought of the pros and cons that I have experienced during my life in the Restoration. One of my professors suggested that it might be therapeutic to make a list of the things that I was angry about, and things that were good. I want you to have this, if for no other purpose than to know how you have impacted one young person's life. Perhaps it will make you think....I really don't think it will have a huge impact on you, but just try to read it from an objective viewpoint, and see if you can find any answering response somewhere in your heart.

I am angry about:

- the loss and manipulation of the most formative years in my life. I gave you my teen years, and was rewarded with guilt, anguish, and a complete isolation from anything normal around me. I can't really identify with the things of culture that other kids my age can, and that hurts. I wish that I had been able to live a normal life!

- the guilt and pressure that your movement placed on me. I was never fully able to enjoy life, because I was so afraid of displeasing someone in the church. This very much includes the agony of being a minister's daughter. I was watched with a special set of eagles eyes, and any misdemeanors were never brought straight to me. They were always channeled through my parents, which made me angry beyond belief. To this day I am still very sensitive to any rebuke that does not come straight to me. The scars from the years of this abuse will probably always remain with me.

- the way I was forced to dress. It was un-natural, unhealthy...you name it. It also gave me the wrong view of men, as this led me to think that you are all incurable cesspools of lust, and are not able to rein in your minds. It has taken major revamping to realize that real men are not as wussy as the ones that I grew up with!

- the manipulation, brain washing, and control. You nearly succeeded in taking a very independent, stubborn me, and turning me into an obedient little clone. I was very nearly completely broken by the time we left. Thankfully I have regained my independence and strength, but I am still somewhat vulnerable to control. I am learning to recognize the signals almost instantaneously now, so I am able to prevent manipulation, but it is still frightening. What good did you think you were doing by breaking my sense of self and self worth?

- the very unnatural way that I was forced to relate to the opposite sex with. I was severely dysfunctional when I left, and developed instantaneous crushes on every young man that so much as smiled at me. I was never able to normally relate and get to know guys, which could have affected my life in a disastrous way. Thankfully, God has brought some very wonderful guys into my life, and they have taught me how to relate to their gender, and showed me how men work. I have a much healthier view of men now, and this is going to make my future marriage so much more balanced than if I had got instantly married upon departure from the R. I am also very angry about the archaic, dangerous view of marriage that was taught, and that took me so long to break. I've changed my mind drastically in that department! Still...what if I had got married in the R? I shudder to think of the hell that my life would be right now.

- the abuse that I suffered from so called "friends" and people that loved me. My view of love was completely distorted, and I learned to think that abuse was natural and healthy.

- the way I was encouraged and taught to judge, and be a self righteous person. I look back in horror and shame at the person I used to be.

- so much more. However, the anger has died, so I really can't find many more things to be infuriated about. I do know that I am angry on behalf of the hundreds of others that you still have in your snare, though.

Things I am thankful for:

- the cultural diversity that I was able to experience. I loved the way that we got together at campmeetings, and be on the same level as people from all over the world. I have some awesome memories from that, and to this day, a trip down into the States brings back beautiful thoughts. I can proudly say that I have associated with people of all levels of society. These times were invaluable as far as "human education" went!

- people I loved. I had awesome friends there, and look back with fond memory at so many of them. Yes, I suffered abuse from many, but there were others that I know loved me deeply, and we had incredible experiences together. I have (mostly) fond memories of many campmeetings.

- the fact that I am still sexually pure. This is something I don't want to take for granted, as I know that there were several girls that were sexually abused in the movement. Again, I'm not sure why God kept me from that, but I'm definitely glad he did!

- the way that this experience has made me a stronger person. I am more sensitive to hurts that people experience, because I've been there. I am not nearly as judgmental as others sometimes are, because I've been there, done that. I can relate to people that are wounded by abuse, and I can understand them when others have no idea of what's going on. The pain that I have had to experience in my life has made my character strong, and I'm pretty much well liked.

- there is very little danger that I will ever get caught up in a manipulative church again. I have an extremely sensitive radar to any sort of control, and I steer away from anything that even gives off the slightest hints of getting to be such. Maybe this will also help me to be able to warn people about to be sucked into cults.

- the fact that I am now able to enjoy things that others take for granted. Everything is new and exciting for me, and I relish my life with a zest that others have long since lost. It gives life an edge which I love!

- most of all....the fact that I know I am a survivor of a cult. I have lived through spiritual manipulation, psychological abuse, and extreme fear tactics, and have come out of it, a normal person. My scars will mostly disappear with time, and I am able to function healthily in the world. I don't know why it is that God chose to bless me in this way, and I know it's not because of any self worth of mine. I guess it's His love. It's very nicely summed up in a German song in which the refrain sings: "Not because you're worth it, but because He loves you."

So, that's pretty much it. Wow, this has turned out to be quite the little book! Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you feel like you'd like to talk to me after having read all this, feel free to call me. You can either call me at home, or leave a message on my cell phone. At any rate, I want you to know that I don't have any hard feelings towards you or your group anymore. I pray for you, but God has taken all the festering anger from me. I don't want you to think that this was a hate letter, and I apologize if it came across like it. I'm still the open, honest person I have always been, and I tend to constantly wear my heart on my sleeve! This letter was from the heart, so please take it as such. God bless you!

With many fond memories,