Healing from Abuse

When I finally left this group seven years ago, it was with great fear and trepidation, because I had been led and brain- washed to believe that suffering was the way of the christian. And I was willing to suffer at the hands of my fellow christians so that I could be molded into a vessel useful in the Father's hand. And I loved the Church of God and everything it stood for since the time I was a child.

Yes, it was militaristic, zero-tolerant of sin and I was very idealistic of how a christian and the precious Church of God were to shine in this dark, evil world. I would be a light and give my life-blood for it. And I did, give my life-blood that is, but not with the results I had been promised.

With horror, I came to realize that I had become a very mean-spirited person, and all I had wanted was to become more like Christ! What was happening?! I didn't want to have a mean, judgemental attitude; full of critisizm and intolerance, but there it was and it was getting uglier by the day and I had no idea anymore how to become the person I knew I should be. There was a block there somewhere and I couldn't help myself anymore.

Then when all hope was gone, the Master said: it is time! and I sailed out of the Church of God Restoration!! Then my eyes began to clear and open. I began to breathe in some clean air and could begin to think for myself. Wow! But first came a long, hard road. I felt I had a lot to work through: the realization of where I had been and how destructive it had been to myself, my family and the people I knew. It was a long road of picking up one item after another out of the long past, taking a good, hard look at it, dealing with it thoughtfully and successfully, learning what I needed to learn, and then putting it down into the archives. I cried and grieved a lot in those first few years--for lost time and youth, for the things I couldn't re-do, for the deep, deep hurt I felt would never go away. And for all the abuse that I not only had received but had passed on to others.

Because victims also offend. And I was very angry over the terrible injustice of religious crimes that I saw repeated over and over again. Then God started sending people my way who knew nothing about the Church of God Restoration. I was ready for them, because sometime before we left the Restoration, the sweet spirit of God had been talking to me about them. During our many travels through the huge cities of America, I started thinking about all those people in those thousands of homes we were driving by--what would happen to them if they never heard about the Church of God Restoration?; surely there must be people there who loved God, longed for Him, tried to please Him...? And with- out realizing it, God was forming some understanding in my heart of who His children really were!

The hard brick walls around my wounded heart were slowly starting to come down, and when He then sent people into my life to help heal my heart, I was ready! (They came from different churches, and I will never be able to make my home in just one physical church again. I have been cured of groupism-- however, that's a totally different topic!) One of these people helped me a great deal with a lot of understanding she had gathered over the years studying abusive groups. She gave me a book to read that was instrumental in my recovery: it's called:

"Churches That Abuse: Help for those hurt by Legalism, Authoritarian Leadership, Manipulation, Excessive Discipline, Spiritual Intimidation, by Ronald M. Enroth (ISBN 0-310-53290-6 by Zondervan Publishing House)."

I was shocked and dismayed by how many different groups used the same tactics, scriptures, teachings and how what the Restoration stood for and taught was not unique at all! I would highly recommend this book.

The spiritual and emotional abuse I suffered in the Restoration is beyond belief; fostered and fed by their sin-free doctrine and exclusiveness. May God have mercy on their souls.